Who am I?

[An old post - August '09]

A nice cosy Saturday afternoon with crisp air and an overcast sky - an enchanting day to say the least. Oh how I wish everyday was like today - clean, fresh and devoid of impurities. Really, there are days like these.

I was lying in bed, trying to read the book which, prior to today, has grown roots beside my bed. I can't read, I can't even complete a page. Who am I fooling? I'm disturbed, disillusioned, somewhat sad, lost, maybe depressed, totally dissatisfied, sometimes disgruntled, occasionally lacking confidence (which is unlike me because I usually exude so much confidence that I come across as arrogant and apparently its my middle name), puzzled, sensitive, hot-tempered, impatient and the list goes on and on. In a nutshell, I no longer know who I am.

So who exactly am I? Some say arrogant, others confident. Most say handsome, many others say smart. Many say moody, a few say gifted. I'd say, "I just don't f*cking know who I am anymore." I don't know what my priorities are, what my goals are, what principles I adhere to, hell, I don't even know if I have principles anymore. I'm literally blind, oblivious to where this crazy life of mine is taking me. At least the blind still feel, touch, smell and hear. I don't know what to see, what to smell, what to touch, what or who to listen to - a useless "rolling stone that gathers no moss", as my old man have mentioned religiously over the years.

Who am I kidding? I don't even know why I'm writing this; why I even have this damn blog to begin with. But I know all is not doom and gloom. I must believe that its not. I've been trying to get out of this rut for the longest time. I just don't know how. I've tried talking to myself, to my friends, I've made lists, time tables... you name it, I've done it. My efforts are just not sustainable...or rather I don't have the lasting power to allow myself a create a new habit or discipline. Ahh yes, I have no discipline. How do I inculcate that in my life? My will power is as good as a piece of cake in front of a fat boy...gone in a blink of any eye.

My mind is messed up but the irony of this all; my mind is also the solution to my predicament.

In two days time, I'll be 28... but I've yet to find myself.

So......who exactly am I?