The correlation between experience, instinct, regret and learning

This post is a tad serious but it has been something I have been thinking about for quite a while now. Bear with me, read the post and who knows, you'd be able to relate. Read on...

I'm sure we've all experienced this before. We're in a situation where we're pretty sure what needs to be done but we were either hesitant, unconvinced or just not confident enough to execute any sort of action. Eventually, we come to realise what we thought we should have done but didn't was the right thing to do after all (with hindsight, of course). This inaction or failure to act leads to a feeling of regret.

Yes, we've come across many such situations in our lives. Walking down a badly-lit street, knowing very well that we shouldn't but it's the shortest way home after a long day's work but end up counting our lucky stars that we're still alive after getting mugged. Or making an impulse buy because the deal was "too good" to turn down only to later question ourselves on our decision-making. Or buying a stock after a recent run-up because we do not want to "miss the boat" only to see a sell-off soon after. Worse still, failing to cut losses because we think the stock will "recover" but instead continues to fall. On the flip side, hesitating to buy a good stock when all factors to be considers points to a "BUY" and regretting when the stock price rises sharply during the next trading session. In every situation that I've mentioned above, I'm sure there was a voice inside us telling us to take the longer route, to walk away because we don't need to buy it, to wait for some profit-taking before considering to invest, to sell because the stock price has already fallen by 15%...to trust our judgement and analysis and buy the stock. These voices are our instincts or intuition and are formed from our learning of these experiences, either directly or indirectly.

Think about it. From a very young age we were probably told not to walk down dark alleys by our parents or we've watched enough movies to know what can happen when one decides to "take a short cut" (indirect experience). Yet, all it takes, for instance, is a lack of judgment from being tired to even consider taking a short cut to head home. It is precisely this short moment when we decide our next course of action that our instincts and intuition kick in, trying to tell us, drawing from our learned (direct and indirect) experiences, that walking down the alley is a bad idea. If we then decide to ignore our instincts, walk down the alley and end up getting mugged, we will regret our action but more importantly we will never walk down a dark alley again. This is what we all know as learning from mistakes. However, we all know some mistakes are just too costly to make.

Now, apply the above scenario in the context of other everyday experiences such as the ones mentioned earlier. If we decide to ignore our instincts and make that impulse buy, we will soon regret the purchase and learn to not make the same mistake again. Suppose we dwell on making an investment decision when all factors point to a good investment and eventually lose out on that opportunity, we will also regret our inaction and learn to be more decisive in the future (direct/acquired experience). 

Personally, I think it is evident that experience and instinct/intuition go hand in hand. The dark alley scenario and the stock investment are examples of instincts from an indirect experience and direct/acquired experience respectively. One scenario creates a regret due to an action while the other a regret due to inaction. What I think is most important here is to have the ability to instantly rationalise and trust our instincts because our instincts usually work in our favour. In essence, it is pivotal to heed our instincts as it may help us mitigate the negatives and leverage on the positives - our instincts will tell us when to act and when not to do anything at all.

...and I guess it also boils down to 'living with no regrets'. How many times have we heard this right? It's so cliched, but there's a lot of truth in that statement. For risks that are not worth taking (eg. dark alley), trust our instincts and take another route. For those calculated risks that could work in our favour, trust our instincts and act. At least we will know if it turns out to be a mistake and live to learn from it, and not live to regret not trying. And if it turns out well...we'll be glad.

Details in the Fabric

What a brilliant song! You won't realise its depth unless you've listened to it a few times and pay close attention to its lyrics. If only everyone of us could be steadfast in our principles and beliefs, know what we want and set forth to reach our dreams. It bugs me that I'm still uncertain as to what I'm supposed to do with this life of mine. I'm constantly asking myself, trying to use that uncertainty to provide the impetus that I need to... 

...hold my own, know my name and go my own way 

From Jason Mraz's album, We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things 

Change!

[Earlier this morning, @ 5.30 a.m.]

Have you experienced this before? You're in deep sleep, probably in the REM cycle of your sleep which means you're probably in the midst of a lucid dream when suddenly you wake up. If you're wondering, well no, it wasn't a nightmare. You're not supposed to remember everything about a dream when you wake up (don't ask me why, our minds are supposedly engineered that way) and I usually do remember bits and pieces of my dream, but this time around, I woke up instantly...from deep sleep to being awake and ready to go. And I was pretty sure I was dreaming but woke up blank. Well not entirely blank but still...

There were only two "situations/settings/scenarios" I remember from the dream. The first was the end of the dream right before I woke up. I was seated, chatting with a friend (I can't remember who that friend was). He wanted to buy a car. In fact, it was a huge step up - from one that was old (not too clear about the make of the car) to a brand new Audi A4. The second...oh great I can't really remember now. That's the thing about waking up from dreams. You gradually lose any recollection of the dream from the moment you wake up. However, I think the second "situation/setting/scenario" was also about moving on from something old to something new; something good to something better.

So there I was, lying in bed...staring at the ceiling after waking up abruptly from a lucid dream. I turned to my left to pick up my cellphone to check for any missed calls and such. It was 4.45am. I turned onto my back again and continued to stare at the ceiling. I was wide awake and there was no way I could try getting back to sleep. I probably stared at the ceiling for a good 15-20 minutes, desperately trying to remember my dream but to no avail.

And as I sit here staring at my laptop screen, pondering over what my dream meant, one message rings in my head. Change!

Random thoughts

[An old post - July 30th, 2010] 

Do we naturally have preferences when choosing a partner? Or are preferences something we inevitably create as a reaction to the experience of a failed relationship(s)? Is it so much as to learning from mistakes i.e. learning from a failed relationship(s) or is it just fear, fear from the fact that every new relationship we venture into may possibly fail? Or is there simply a number or a threshold, if you will, of failed relationships which we should not surpass, failing which ultimately lead us to believe that every relationship will eventually fail and we then refrain from getting into any relationship altogether? Or do we instead produce an extensive list which we adhere to religiously and by doing so let opportunities pass us by?

Who am I?

[An old post - August '09]

A nice cosy Saturday afternoon with crisp air and an overcast sky - an enchanting day to say the least. Oh how I wish everyday was like today - clean, fresh and devoid of impurities. Really, there are days like these.

I was lying in bed, trying to read the book which, prior to today, has grown roots beside my bed. I can't read, I can't even complete a page. Who am I fooling? I'm disturbed, disillusioned, somewhat sad, lost, maybe depressed, totally dissatisfied, sometimes disgruntled, occasionally lacking confidence (which is unlike me because I usually exude so much confidence that I come across as arrogant and apparently its my middle name), puzzled, sensitive, hot-tempered, impatient and the list goes on and on. In a nutshell, I no longer know who I am.

So who exactly am I? Some say arrogant, others confident. Most say handsome, many others say smart. Many say moody, a few say gifted. I'd say, "I just don't f*cking know who I am anymore." I don't know what my priorities are, what my goals are, what principles I adhere to, hell, I don't even know if I have principles anymore. I'm literally blind, oblivious to where this crazy life of mine is taking me. At least the blind still feel, touch, smell and hear. I don't know what to see, what to smell, what to touch, what or who to listen to - a useless "rolling stone that gathers no moss", as my old man have mentioned religiously over the years.

Who am I kidding? I don't even know why I'm writing this; why I even have this damn blog to begin with. But I know all is not doom and gloom. I must believe that its not. I've been trying to get out of this rut for the longest time. I just don't know how. I've tried talking to myself, to my friends, I've made lists, time tables... you name it, I've done it. My efforts are just not sustainable...or rather I don't have the lasting power to allow myself a create a new habit or discipline. Ahh yes, I have no discipline. How do I inculcate that in my life? My will power is as good as a piece of cake in front of a fat boy...gone in a blink of any eye.

My mind is messed up but the irony of this all; my mind is also the solution to my predicament.

In two days time, I'll be 28... but I've yet to find myself.

So......who exactly am I?

Impromptu

[An old post - June '09]

I'm in my reminiscing best - resulting in my need to speak out, to look for an avenue for "verbal diarrhea". So, here I am.

I feel you should know how my reminiscing came about, to keep you informed that it's not something I intended for, but more often than not, something that just happens without any rhyme or reason. Perhaps there's a psychological or scientific explanation for the state I'm in, some sort of subconscious mind-play creating and providing the impetus for the invisible hand which directs my thoughts and actions into and ultimately leading me to this reminiscing state that I'm in. I digress.

So...where was I? Ah yes, how did my reminiscing come about? I had a pretty eventful afternoon. I was at Urbanscapes 2009, a Malaysian (Kuala Lumpur) annual (I think) creative arts festival. I arrived home after spending 4 solid hours watching people, people at work and peoples' works. I didn't have any plans for the evening; was just flipping channels on the teevo while surfing the web - the kind of things one would do if there wasn't any plans for a Saturday night. I was bored after a short while and so I logged on to Live Messenger to find out who'd be online; whom I could have a chat with. And as you'd know, as you log on, there would be a pop-up which would inform you of the number of new emails in your inbox. Since there were some new emails (and also because I've not logged in to my hotmail account for the past 2-3 months), I decided to log in.

There weren't any important new emails, just forwarded ones from those I don't really keep in touch with (hence they do not know hotmail is no longer my primary email account, for the past 4 years or so). I figured I'd "spring clean" my hotmail account while I'm at it. Who knows when I'll log in again, right? I was organising emails, deleting some, forwarding some and going through some of the folders in the account. There's a "Friends" folder, "Family", "General", "School" and the last folder, a folder containing all old emails from my first girlfriend. To be honest, sometimes I don't even remember I have a hotmail account, let alone the contents in my account. So there it was, the folder, and I opened it.

I randomly clicked on a few emails and read them. Picture this; you're reading old emails (old as in 2002-2005) from an old flame and as you read the emails word by word, line by line...you naturally bring yourself back to the time the emails were written - you think of how young you were back then, how you've grown into a different person, smile when you think of the better times, shrug when thoughts of the not so good times flood in - its almost like you're Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future in the many scenes where's he's watching himself in his past, as a third person (of course you're not in any urgent mission to change your past so you're not as psyched as MJF). There I was, in this bubble, zone if you will, reminiscing...

I just thought to myself, wow! The things a couple would say to each other when so in love - the dreams, goals, ambitions, promises, sacrifices, compromises - to be carried out and achieved together, and how time and circumstances can throw a curve ball so severe that they just remain what they are...unfulfilled dreams, unachieved goals and ambitions, and promises, sacrifices and compromises devoid of any meaningful substance. On top of that, the loving and romantic messages, the euphoria of being in love, and the belief that love alone will keep us together...the ever cliched "love conquers all". Oh! Such innocence and naivety, gullibility and ignorance.

Don't get me wrong here, there are no regrets, no what ifs, nothing of that sort. I'm way, way past those. Things happen for a reason and we just have to live with it. Its just pure reminiscing, imagination and memory working simultaneously to bring me back to an utopia once so ingrained within my very own existence that I knew no other...but all that remain are now particles of a distant memory on the verge of being vapourised.

An old flame

[An old post - January '09]

You're working really hard on your paper/ assignment/ office work/ etc... you then decide to take a break because you've been at the same line for the past 13 minutes. You check your emails - nothing new. You suddenly feel nostalgic and thoughts of an old flame come to mind. You search your emails and come across old correspondences between the both of you. You click on the email and read it slowly, word by word, and absorb everything that's been said. A slight smile, sometimes a teary eye follows... oh those were good times. An old flame, a relationship so perfect that it was too good to be true. A love so strong, an unbreakable bond, uncomparable chemistry, the enjoyment of each other's company, especially when no words were spoken, the delight of heated conversations bordering on arguments and seeing the funny and often silly side of things, the common interests yet the presense of individuality, the utter respect for each other, the emotionally intertwined relationship to last a lifetime, the love, the love so so strong... oh how you never achieved your potential...

Reminiscing an old flame...still burning, ever so brightly.